


grief is not as heavy as guilt

by taakos



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: drabbles for dayssssss, i wrote this in five minutes and edited as I went
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-05-06
Packaged: 2018-03-29 06:05:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3885187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taakos/pseuds/taakos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Heroes do not feel any pain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	grief is not as heavy as guilt

**Author's Note:**

> the title is half of a quote, the full quote is "Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you." ― Veronica Roth, Insurgent.

For many years, Anakin hears himself described as a “beacon in the Force”, “literal shining star”, and “the brightest thing I have ever seen or felt”. (The last one made Anakin inwardly laugh because who knew Jedi felt things?) He’s complemented on his ability to sense the Force everywhere, even in the most Force-dead of places. Even in the most nonsensitive of people, he feels something. 

After Anakin’s mother dies, there is so much grief in the Force there that it’s difficult to leave. He tries to stand after she is buried and his legs fall out under him. There is a weight on his shoulders pushing him down constantly, like the Force is telling him to stay, to mourn a bit more, take more time, he deserves it. And so, the weight stays, and wraps its large, overbearing arms around Anakin. Even when he leaves, the weight is still there. Always there. 

On the battlefield, years after his mother died, Anakin still walks with a weight on his shoulders. He never lets the weight show, however. He is Anakin Skywalker, the Hero With No Fear, he carries no weights. He walks with long strides, his shoulders back, and his spine straight, his eyes always looking forward. But when he’s alone, his façade crumbles into something that would never be a hero. He’s found that he’s never been strong for himself, ever. He’s always served others, helped others.

On Tatooine, he served his Master and mother. On Coruscant, he serves the Jedi and Obi-Wan (friend, brother, Master). In outer space, he serves the Republic, the Jedi, and all people. They are all but weights, pushing his shoulders down, he realizes. He’s never done anything for himself, ever. He wasn’t born free. He still isn’t free, Jedi aren’t free. He may be a Knight, but he is still watched by the Council of Jedi Masters. He’ll probably die a slave, at this point.

To say that the Council trusts Anakin would be, not only a lie, but an awful one. They have been watching him since he was nine years old for kriff’s sake. Anakin’s always wondered and worried what they would do once they found out about the Tusken Raider massacre. If they would expel him from the Order and convict him for genocide? If they found out about himself and Padmè. For a group of non-feeling people, they sure felt strongly about a lot of things. (He knows they’re just following the Code, but he can’t stop himself from being angry at them.)

Anakin still thinks the Tusken Raiders deserved it, too. Of course they did, right? They killed his mother and probably countless others, too. Anakin did Tatooine a favor, in truth. Somewhere, deep down, he knows the path he began to walk then is not the right one. But, for now, he’ll ignore that feeling, even as it crawls out of the abyss it was once stuck in and digs its nails in. That feeling will burn him alive and he will not cry out. The blood will run down his back and seep into ground below him and he will not feel any pain. Heroes do not feel any pain.

**Author's Note:**

> this entire drabble has constant references to his future of enslavement and sadness, which is just lovely. i'm gonna lay down for a while and think about anakin skywalker


End file.
